More Than A Statistic

Six Years Later: Remembering Sebastian

Today, six years ago, on September 19, 2017, at 23, my son Sebastian Edward Baker joined the escalating statistic of becoming one of 6252 young people in the United States between the ages of 15-24 to die by suicide.¹

I suddenly became a member of a club I didn't ask to join.

At the time of Sebastian's death, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (C.D.C.), suicide was the second leading cause of death in this age group.² As of February 2022, suicide remains the number two cause of death for teenagers and young adults.³

Other statistics point out males are more likely to complete suicide. They also die almost four times more often than females. Every person I have talked to in the last six years seems to know someone who has died by suicide.

Like many others before him, Sebastian had many risk factors that may have contributed to his early death. He belonged to the 90% statistic of having an underlying mental health diagnosis. Sebastian suffered from anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. He had been hospitalized twice for suicidal thoughts. He survived an unsuccessful attempt by hanging.

But Sebastian was more than a statistic.

He was a son, an older brother, and an athlete. He loved books, movies, and building Legos. He hummed all the time as a child and loved to dress up. At four, Sebastian began playing chess with his dad and won a national chess championship at nine. He loved to fish and caught his first trout while fishing with his grandfather when he was three. Sebastian played little league baseball and tried wrestling in middle school. He played football and soccer in high school. In his senior year, as goalkeeper, he was selected M.V.P. by the local paper. He even played soccer in college.

Sebastian loved frozen blueberries and would eat them by the handful, and at least two times a week, he'd make cheese nachos. He could eat a small watermelon, rind included in a single setting. It was not unusual for him to eat five pounds of mashed potatoes and gravy at Thanksgiving.

Sebastian loved Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. He also collected rocks from every part of the world.

Sebastian loved asking questions, and he wanted to know everything.

When Sebastian was five, he inquired,

"Did Jesus have to ask Jesus in his heart to be saved?"

"How long is infinity?"

"How can Jesus be the Lamb of God and the Good Shepherd?

Sebastian was eight the day he ran up to me and my husband in a room filled with people and yelled, "What does the F word mean?"

After perusing an anatomy book with a cross-sectional view of the heart, he asked,

"Where's the door?"

"The door?" I replied, not understanding.

He persisted, "You know, The door that lets Jesus into your heart?"

I laughed and pointed to the illustration, "There are four 'doors' in the heart: the aortic valve, the pulmonary valve, the tricuspid valve, and the mitral valve." That seemed to satisfy him.

Then, there was the time his grandfather took him up for his first flying lesson. Sebastian was seven. Grandpa Mack was an Air Force Pilot and had flown B-17 bombers in WWII and cargo planes in the Korean War and the Vietnam War before retiring as a colonel. Sebastian, always curious, asked for stories about his grandpa's time in the wars, and they could talk for hours.

When Sebastian turned eighteen, I brought him cupcakes to school during his first-period class. He was embarrassed, but he secretly loved that I did that. He hugged me that day and said, "Thanks, Mom."

Sebastian always called me M. O. M. I would reply and call him S.O.N. I can still hear his deep bass voice calling me that in my head. How I wish he could tell me that in person today.

Sebastian smoked "Lucky Brands."

He knew how to wear clothes and would dress everyone in the house. If he didn't like how you looked, he would tell you.

Sebastian loved his sister. When Isabel was a freshman in high school, he'd warn older high school boys to stay away from her. For spirit week one year at school, they dressed as Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, complete with six dolls representing the Jolie/Pitt children.

Most importantly, Sebastian loved Jesus. He asked Jesus in his heart when he was four years old. At ten, Sebastian couldn't wait to be baptized. After he died, and we were all struggling with what had happened and why it happened, Sebastian's sister, Isabel, found and read his diary, searching for answers to these unanswered questions. I knew he wrote prolifically about his struggles and fears, but I was afraid to read them, fearful of the answers.

"Don't worry Mom," Isabel said after I shared my fears, "Sebastian loved God a lot."

My Sebastian was a beautiful, intelligent, hurting young man who made a choice that ended his life prematurely. He was more than a statistic. He was loved by his family and known by Jesus, who embraced him, now healed and whole.

I look forward to the day I get to see Jesus face to face and see Sebastian smiling in his new body, unmarred by grief and pain.

988 Suicide Hotline

Clark County WA Suicide Resources

1. https://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars/pdf/leading_causes_of_death_by_age_group_2017-508.pdf.

2. Ibid.

3. https://www.datocms-assets.com/12810/1649682186-14296_afsp_2022_national_fact_sheet_update_m1_v4.pdf.